mondo_mani

by Kane Vast

Hey guys,

Kane here, your Chinese based dating coach.

Most of my experience is in China, unraveling the mystery of Chinese women, and I’ve found that there are a lot of differences between dating in China as compared to the West. In particular, there are seven key differences that stand out over and above the rest. These differences apply to most of Asia, as well, so pay attention. If you know these you’ll avoid being tripped up like most guys who visit Asia. Here goes…

1. Asian Women Like Guys Who Like Them

The most important thing to consider in Asia is that girls need to feel like you really like them because they are generally insecure. This is one of the biggest cultural differences between East and West – girls in the West care more about how much they like you because they don’t need to feel ‘secure’ in the same way Asian girls do. In the West, girls can make their own money and be independent. By contrast, Asian girls focus on how much you care about them, and want to stay with them, because they don’t have the same financial security and earning opportunities as Western women do.

2. Girls in the West Don’t Need to Feel Like They Aren’t ‘Sluts’ in the Same Way Asian Girls Do

The social stigma attached to sex is much stronger in Asia. I’ve found that with western girls you just need to agree and make them horny and then it all goes down quite easily, whereas with Asian girls they typically need a lot more deniability then Western girls do, plus they also need to feel like they aren’t responsible for having sex.

So the key here is giving them plausible deniability, at all times ensure that they can claim that they didn’t know they were going to have sex.

3. In Asia, “Negging” Doesn’t Work, and It Will Usually Cost You the Girl

Unless you have been under a rock for the last ten years, you’ve undoubtedly heard of “pickup” and “pickup artists”. In the West, pickup has introduced and encouraged the use of “negs”. Negs are a compliment that are supposed to make the girl feel you’re not enamoured of her and not the same as other guys, after using a neg a girl should feel like you are not chasing her but merely making conversation while being subtly rude or even teasing her with your comments – you are actively showing disinterest. A good example of this is telling a woman you love her shoes, then mentioning that your 11 year old niece bought a pair just yesterday.

Negs don’t work very well in Asia because the way people form rapport, and relate through humour, is slightly different. In the West, when you ‘neg’ a girl you are directly stating what your value is by showing willingness to break rapport. Asians almost never break rapport, they merely become neutral, which has a lot to do with saving face for yourself and the other person involved.

4. Bust Through Language Barriers With Nonverbal Communication

Due to the language barrier between Westerners and Asian women, verbal communication often falls short. To get around this, I typically use a range of gestures or expressions when first meeting a woman. Some of my favourites include imitating her body language in a funny way, for instance by crossing my arms and pretending to pout to mirror her behaviour and get a laugh, or pushing my pointer fingers into the corners of my mouth to make a ridiculous smile that usually makes her smile, too.

5. Kissing BEFORE Taking Her Home Will Usually Lose You the Girl

Why is this you ask? Go and ask any Western girl if she’s kissed a guy in the club before and she will definitely say yes, whereas many many many Asian girls haven’t. This is because kissing doesn’t mean the same thing in Asia – in the West it’s ‘ok’ to make out with guys in the club, but in Asia doing that would have her labeled a dirty girl. If a bunch of Westerns go out to the club and one of the girls meets a guy she likes and is making out with him then the rest of the group won’t judge her too badly for it. If a bunch of Asians go out to the club together, however, and one of the girls ends up making out with a guy she just met the rest of the group will wonder if she is drunk or a hooker.

The meaning of a kiss can be quite different in Asia than it is in the West. Depending on the place, kissing in the West isn’t a sure sign that the interaction will lead to sex, but in Asia it is a much better sign that it could, so if an Asian girl is willing to kiss you she is conscious of two things, 1. that other will think she is having sex or will have sex with you, and 2. that she is committing more to the interaction than she may be comfortable with. I’ve found that it’s best to keep from going for the make out until I have her back at my place.

 

6. Asian Guys Don’t Compete Directly for Women

In the West guys will typically try to ‘one up’ you by talking shit when you’re with girls – it’s straight up school yard game. At other times they’ll just claim that the girl is their girlfriend, even though it isn’t. Having said that, guys in the West are also more ‘socially polite’ if they see a guy talking to a girl they know.

Asian guys are rarely socially polite, preferring to just walk up and separate you from the girl your with, claiming that it’s his girlfriend, or just physically pull the girl away without a word. This mostly happens when the Asian guy knows the girl, although it sometimes happens if the guy met the girl that night and is trying to protect his new prospect. Mystery’s ‘kiss her’ routine is a good defensive play, but I like to very quickly start destroying his mind with meaningless drivel, as I’m passing my phone to the girl to get her number or moving her to a different part of the club.

7. Asian Girls Like ‘Fun and Exciting’ Guys Better Than ‘Mysterious’ or ‘Cocky’ Guys

In the West, girls value guys who are obviously more masculine in physical appearance and behaviour, which means not being ‘needy’ in behaviour or conversation. This can be done by acting aloof or saying ‘cocky’ things. Essentially the more easily you ‘show yourself’ to Western people the lower your perceived value is.

Culture plays the biggest role in why cocky and aloof don’t work well in Asia. Being mysterious to Westerners is attractive because of our stories, history, and the way our families/society operates – we are much more individualistic. In China, being ‘cocky’ doesn’t work so well because it is a really strong form of showing people that their value is lower than yours, you force them to admit that. To Asians, being mysterious or unknown is usually perceived as dangerous because of the way families and societies/groups work – everyone knows everyone else. If you go into an Apartment, for example the majority of people know each other and mistrust ‘outsiders’. Just look at language: in English we don’t refer to Asians as ‘foreigners’ or ‘outsiders,’ while in all major Asian countries it’s just the opposite. When they call us ‘foreigner’ or ‘outsider,’ it’s not usually a flattering reference, either.

To be fun or exciting with Chinese girls I usually treat them like children by the way I speak to them or touch them – such as patting them on the head and telling them they are cute. I love to play that robot ‘claw’ game where you try to pickup a plush toy by moving it with a joystick, or I try to get them to go into the metro without buying a ticket by squeezing through the gate together. Whenever there is a decision to make I always refer to rock, paper, scissors, or buying scratch-n-win lottery tickets. Sometimes I even get girls to sit on my lap like a child, then touch they hair or squeeze their cheeks as if they were 20 years younger.

8. You Must Show Asian Women Why You Like Them and How They Fit into Your Life

We call this qualification, and it’s done totally different in China than it is in the West. In the West its more about throwing up a challenge to get the girl to qualify to you, thereby investing in you, so she feels that you have value and that she is making the right choice. Asking her what her best quality is, what is interesting about her, or even why you should be talking to her will get her to question her value relative to you. If she answers, she’s admitting that you have value to her and she should open up. In Asia, by contrast, it’s more about uncovering her good qualities, or getting her to share them with you, so you can reward her for them. You want to reward her for the qualities she has that will add value to your life.

If you’ve just come over from the West then the differences between dating here and dating back home can seem confusing. When meeting Chinese women, keep these differences in mind and things will go a lot smoother for you. Oh, and if you have any questions about Chinese or Asian girls, drop a comment below.


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  • Yady

    Hi!

    What about the guy in Asia being the provider?
    And how long time its considered “right” before start dating in Asia?

    Is there commun for an asian guy showing interest in join the girls activities and then refuse to joing her?

    • All things being equal having more money is better than less, and having
      a minimum amount is definitely important. But that doesn’t mean you
      have to buy everything she wants.

      Guys get caught up in this
      because they don’t understand how to manage their relationships and
      thing that giving a girl what she wants will make her happy. It won’t.

      When
      you say “start dating”, do you mean become boyfriend and girlfriend?
      If so, it can happen very quickly like on the first date depending on
      the girl, or it could take a few weeks.

      I’m not sure how common
      it is for Asian guys to show interest in a girl’s activities and then
      refuse to join, but that’s not a good idea to send mixed messages like
      that.

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  • kc

    this really makes western girls sound like sluts, tbh =/
    every girl is different, regardless of nationality. there are plenty of more shy, insecure girls in the west, too and likewise there are probably lots of outgoing girls in asian countries. this whole thing is waaay too general

    • How can you talk about major cultural differences without making generalizations?

    • If you think of behaviors like a bell curve, you’ll find that the average of something like shyness is shifted more towards shy in Asia and more towards extroverted in the west.

      Sure there is overlap and there are westerners who are more shy than Asians and Asians who are more shy than westerners.

      There is a lot more prostitution in Asian cultures in general than there is in North America too, so this is all very nuanced.

      We assume a certain level of intelligence and common sense among our readers for good or for ill.

      Thanks for you comment.

      • M

        u just negged her.

        do u do it out of reflex now?

        question, when you take Asian girls out on dates, do you pay for everything like Chinese men do?

        • I just like to talk straight is all…

          I usually pay for Asian girls when I take them on dates, but that is more because of the variance in earning power as I’m in my late 30s and most of the girls I date are in their early 20s and are often still students.

          Given my lifestyle it would really make me look like a cheap bastard if I was expecting girls to pay their half. So, when I was still in the early stages of by business, and was struggling a lot more, I had women contribute more, but now that I’m fairly successful, it matches my image more to pay.

          Lastly, my lifestyle is different so the places that I want to go are often too expensive for a young student or someone starting out on their first job.

          I try to make it a point though to gradually escalate the niceness of the place and the amount of money I spend, so in general, the first few dates will be fairly cheap but if things go well, and we start dating, then I’m happy to take girls on vacation with me, for example.

          Maybe I’ll write a full post on this at some point…

          Thanks for your question.

    • Seth

      I am an Asian girl that came to stay&study in Western country since 17, I totally agree with you. I found quite a few western girls that are shy and insecure, in fact, many people including men do.

      • redpoleq

        Totally…most people read my articles and assume that because I’m simplifying, I’m simple myself.

        SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

        Perhaps the fact that I run an entire site with loads of traffic should clue people in on the fact that there is a lot more depth than what I put across in ONE article.

    • KaneVast

      “The social stigma attached to sex is much stronger in Asia. I’ve found that with western girls you just need to agree and make them horny and then it all goes down quite easily, whereas with Asian girls they typically need a lot more deniability then Western girls do, plus they also need to feel like they aren’t responsible for having sex”

      I’m saying Western girls are more open about sex i.e the West in general is a more open culture.

      If you don’t understand, leave whatever country your in and travel – you soon will.

      You said it makes Western girls sound like sluts?

      I have two things to say about that:

      1: ‘sluts’ is an outdated idea, there have been girls who are ‘promiscuous’ in every country at every period of time.

      As you can see from our other articles and website overall – we are not about shaming people or being judgemental, except against elves, damn those sneaky dirty bastards.

      • Anon

        Certainly girls have been ‘promiscuous’ in every country or period in time but how MUCH is what is being applied here.

        I guess the difference is more of how it’s accepted or looked down on by society rather than the acts itself. If it’s not looked down upon or even directly called out in society, then it’s no wonder why there would be more people like this.

  • Ross

    About point 5, any tips on escalation when you don’t have your own place?
    I’m struggling, but I’ve found that if I make out with a girl, say at a nightclub, then sex is a non-issue and even if she doesn’t have her own place I can take her to a hotel ’cause she’s excited.

    However, I’ve had a few coffee/dinner dates with girls I met online (mostly) and I could tell they wanted me to take them home; except that I can’t. Other than escalating physically in a corner of an otherwise public place I have no idea how to take them to a hotel (plausible deniability).

    I know some guys that are getting away with asking to hook up in a more or less direct fashion – but I’m not sure I get how that works with deniability.
    Any ideas?
    This is all Chinese girls I’m talking about.

    • KaneVast

      Hey,

      Yeah so the girl in the club is in the right mindset and situation to go home with a charming stranger such as yourself…whereas the coffee shop girl or dinner date girl is in a very different state of mind….i.e she may not be super turned on and rushing to get banged….

      Which means you need to set up the situation a bit more smoothly.

      You have a few options:

      Hotel – buy some playing cards and say lets go somewhere quiet and play cards, lead to hotel, make sure she has her id.
      Park – you can sneak into parks late at night, make sure you bring a blanket, bottle of wine and candles is a plus.
      Dvd room (a private mini cinema – between $8 USD and $30 USD an hour)
      Massage parlour (you can just take her for a normal massage and bang after you’ve gotten the massage – they allow 30 mins or so for ‘rest’)
      Bangpad – you can hire a temporary room for about $10 to $40 a day.

      Being direct vs Plausible denability:

      In a nutshell, if you are direct with someone who is of lower value to yourself, they will respond well.

      If you are direct with someone who is equal value – its a gamble but usually ok so long as the other person feels theres a fair exchange going on.

      If you are direct with someone who is of higher value – it’s usually suicide.

      Girls who like you and are going on dates with you are usually putting you at an equal level to them.

      Plausible denability:

      let’s go home and fuck each other = none – girl feels she’s responsible for doing some socially frowned upon things.
      let’s go home and play with my dog, oops we started kissing and made love – it was romantic, just like the the movies.

      Hope that helps.

      Any other problems – add my wechat: KaneVast

      • Ross

        Awesome. Thank you.

        I like the DVD room idea. Sounds very doable. Never heard of them thou. What’s their name in Chinese characters? I’ll try to look up them up in my city.

        What you wrote about plausible deniability and value implies I can go out on a date, and if things are flirty just tell the girl “let’s get a room” and get away with it half the time. . .
        I might be beating around the bush too much.
        I know this language teacher guy, not attractive for western standards, he get’s away with asking coworkers to “come over have sex” over chat. He says Chinese girls like to keep the face but they go for it if you push the envelope. Not the first time I hear something like this.
        In general, when dating, I feel this frame of “I’m so absolutely pure” but maybe I’m taking it too seriously.

  • Western Alpha Pacific

    Fuck dirty white trash

  • Ciaran Ryan

    Went out twice with an Asian girl and I kissed her several times, she was always the first to break off not seeming too comfortable with it. She would not come back to my apartment with me either. I could see she wanted to loosen up on the dancefloor but was very self conscious.

    • Yeah, that sounds about right. Better not to kiss her in public and she’ll be more likely to go to your place next time if you make it seem really casual.

      Alternatively you could turn her on a lot and then she might go along with it, but this is a harder way to do it.

    • Megu X

      She’s probably wanting to take it slow, in general, most Asians like myself take relationships seriously and slowly and it’s common for us to start skinship at maybe the 5th date (depends on the couple, some may kick it off at the first date) but this is because we are much more shy and cautious, plus she might not like PDA, she doesn’t wish to come back to your apartment possibly because she’s afraid or uncomfortable. Take time to just know her and she’ll loosen up.

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  • Jackie

    So, Asians don’t like bad boys?

    • As a general rule, no. Of course there are some girls that respond to that but most often you will shoot yourself in the foot with that kind of behavior.

      • Jackie

        Does that apply to Asian american women too?

        • Asian-Americans are typically in between Asian-Asians and Westerners, so that there are more Asian-American girls who respond to bad boy behavior than Asian-Asians, but still less than Westerners.

          I think that you can get a pretty good idea of how westernized a given Asian-American is after a few minutes of conversation and getting background info (what generation for example).

  • malcom chieng

    As a person living in South East Asia, this is as accurate as the factors go. People here are just more proper and conservative, the most flirting your gonna get is eye contact every second and then or what would seem to be when someone is stuck in the Friendzone.