Often guys are worried that they are not good looking enough to be attractive to women. Many guys feel they’re too short, too fat, too hairy, too Asian, too tall, or just too ugly to attract high quality girls.
I was no different. Thanks to genetics, I started balding at the age of 18. While I found peace with this a long time ago, when I landed in Korea the tremendous number of women who canceled dates with me made me wonder. As I walked down the sidewalk with my shaved head, all of the looks, jeers, and pointing by Koreans made me realize just how strange I look in this country. Soon I felt self-conscious and deflated.
Guys are self conscious about their looks mostly because of the way they assess women. When evaluating a woman’s attractiveness, guys instantly judge a girl based on her physical characteristics, by how she looks. The more beautiful the girl is, the more attracted we are to her. While personality does play a large role in attraction, we don’t see a woman’s deeper character until much later, so most of our assessment occurs before even talking to a woman.
This process is so common among guys that we automatically assume women see the world just like us. In reality, however, women see things from a different perspective and part of this includes a different way of assessing attractiveness. While men primarily consider the physical appearance of a woman, the typical woman places far less emphasis on looks than guys realize.
That’s not to say that looks don’t play a role. Looks are one of the factors women consider, but it’s important to keep things in perspective. Looks are most important when first approaching a woman, but then rapidly decline in importance. After the conversation gets started, girls begin to assess other less immediate qualities such as confidence, social intelligence, neediness, and being popular with other girls.
It took me a while to realize this. In fact, it wasn’t until I talked with a couple of the A-Team alumni, people who have taken RedpoleQ’s Approch Mastery Bootcamp, and met Kane Vast that my perception of the situation really turned around. My experience with Kane, RedpoleQ’s partner in crime, really hit it home. Kane was not only tremendously successful with women in Asia, but his head was as bald as a freshly laid egg. Clearly hair was not derailing Kane’s success, so other factors had to be coming into play. If Kane was successful with women in China, a country far less tolerant to difference than Korea, I could definitely make it work in Korea.
Ironically, while physical looks aren’t an overwhelming factor in how attracted a woman feels, appearance in the form of personal style is much more critical. If a guy dresses well, it communicates socially intelligence – he knows what other people consider attractive, is up to date with current trends, and takes care of himself. All of this reveals a high social value.
Style also helps communicate inner character and personal habits. Wear a soft wool sweater with a pair of kakies and you will come across as friendly and easy-going. Wear a pair of ripped jeans, a beat-up t-shirt, and a leather jacket, however, and you send a completely different message. If the girl you are approaching likes quiet and cuddly guys, then dressing like a biker will probably mean she’ll be less attracted to you than if you sported the Mr. Rogers look. On top of this, if you don’t pay attention to style, you will come across as having low social intelligence or a serious lack of motivation, both of which are very unattractive to women.
Looking at Kane’s style, he definitely made an impact. When I first met him, he dressed with a great inner-city attitude that stood out from everyone else in Korea. Flipping through a few of his photos after bootcamp, I noticed that his style varied a lot but was always well-put-together. Remembering back to the few great experiences I had with women, they always came when I dressed well. Just the opposite, when I dressed badly, women responded much less positively to me.
Throughout this year I have made great strides to improve my personal style. While I still have a long way to go, the reactions I’ve gotten have improved dramatically. Recently I was out with a cute Korean girl I met in a coffee shop. While on our way to our first date venue she spontaneously turned to me and said, “Wow, you’re really handsome!” I take that as a good sign. This fall I plan to keep improving my personal style, and expect my results to get much better.Don’t worry bout your physical appearance – it’s not the end of the world. While physical qualities play a role in the attraction a women feels, other factors are much more important. If you are concerned about your looks when it comes to meeting new women – hell, even if you aren’t – it’s definitely worthwhile taking a long hard look at your personal style to ensure you are presenting yourself in the best possible way.