by Socrates –
Do nice guys finish last?
For the uninitiated, this question can often dominate the conversation when it comes to male-female relations. That’s not exactly their fault, though. With shows like Oprah diving into the question of why it is that women love bad boys, it’s no wonder that the phenomenon has become a part of our cultural understanding.
For myself, looking back years ago to when I was an impressionable young lad forming my first few intimate relationships, this debate was top of mind. I didn’t know quite what it meant to be a bad boy (Did I have to kill someone? Beat up old ladies?), but I did know that I wasn’t one of them, and that worried me. Hearing that I might be at a disadvantage because of my niceness, I went so far as to consult some of my young, attractive female coworkers to find out the truth – not a tactic that I would recommend if you want genuinely accurate answers. Sitting in the upstairs lunchroom at work, I’d listen to these young women talk back and forth about nice guys not finishing last, that bad boys may have some appeal, but that women really want a nice, warm, kind heart. Others would blush at the thought of dating an actual bay boy, seem lost in thought for a bit, then pat me on the arm reassuringly, telling me not to worry. Asking these questions kept me ignorant of reality for years.
In the West, the idea that women like bad boys has taken on such an air of truth that it almost seems laughable to question it. Women definitely seem attracted to the bad boy type, the type with tattoos and a Harley, the type that never wants to commit. Looking at this trend in attraction, it’s completely understandable why guys think about becoming bad boys in an attempt to spark the interest of women.
Ultimately, though, the question of whether nice guys finish last or not is the wrong question to ask. The real question is what it is that women are attracted to, and how to become an attractive guy. Asking why women love bad boys already assumes so much, and keeps guys from digging deeper into what it is women are feeling, and why. So, what exactly is it that women find attractive about bad boys?
- Confidence. If there is one thing that bad guys have, it’s a life that flies in the face of the establishment – they’re rebels, they don’t play by the rules they’re supposed to, they do things the way that they want to do things. Forging a path that gives the finger to established norms takes guts, and the conviction that the path chosen can be a successful one. You’ll never meet a bad boy who lacks confidence; if one existed, he’s just cower behind the socially sanctioned role that responsible members of society are expected to play.
Ah… tattoos… the stamp of a real bad boy… Leather bracelets also help protect wrists during knife fights.
- Emotional excitement. Many women live boring lives: they put on makeup, make the trip out to the hair shop, they get their nails done, they gossip over coffee, then they put on makeup again. Boring! Could you imagine living like that? Bad boys provide women with the kind of excitement that women crave. The emotions that bad boys can give girls is akin to an emotional roller coaster, and women find this addictive. There’s the excitement of having a wild, untamed man attracted to you, the rush of fear that comes with blasting down the highway on the back of his motorcycle, the anger that comes with being ignored, the unease that comes with explaining to her father why her boyfriend is in custody again, and the raw passion that comes with bad-man nakedness. Women are attracted to all of this – they crave the ups and downs that encompass the emotional stimulation which sweeps them from their mundane lives. Hell, it’s even better than a Korean soap opera.
- High Value Assessment. Girls like bad guys because bad guys cause girls to chase, and, for a short time, that makes women feel like the guy is high value. If he wasn’t then he would be trying hard to lock her into a committed relationship. Think about it: guys who have a lot of dating options (ie. sex) open to them with attractive women have little incentive to commit to one women. Why would a guy give up all the sports cars and just stick to diving one for the rest of his…*gulp*… life? The fact that the guy does not want to commit communicates to the woman that he has a lot of dating options, is in demand by other women, and is, therefore, high value. If she could some how…tame him, if she could be that one special girl that would make him want to shake free of his bad boy ways and commit to her… well, I don’t have to tell you just how big of an ego boost that would be.
- The Ability to Care. Behind every bad boy, so the belief goes, is a little wounded boy who just wants to be understood. Part of the bad boy fantasy is the desire to rescue that little boy, to mend his wounds and bring him back from his dark path. Caring for this injured little boy, apparently, is quite appealing to some women.
If these are the qualities that women find attractive in bad boys, it should be no surprise that, who we conceptualize as, nice guys lack these qualities. In some cases, they lack these in a very powerful way.
- Nice Guys Scream Neediness and Low Value. Nice guys are always trying to get women into committed relationships, they’re always trying to please women by bringing them flowers, or painting their toes. Guys who are super eager to get a woman into a relationship seem to have no other options – the woman they’re interested in is the best they can get – and this is a definite turnoff. Often, guys try to get the girl into a relationship without actually knowing much about her, without screening to find out if she is worth being in a relationship with. To women, this is the equivalent of telling her that you’ll take what you can get, because you can’t get much, and that’s because you’re a loser.
- Nice Guys are Boring. Playing by the straight an narrow means that the woman loses out on having that emotional rush that comes with danger, and all those other emotional ups and downs that she craves. The emotional whirlwind that the bad boy can offer… just isn’t there. Nice guys are boring guys: they go to church, feed their cat, phone their grandmother, and drive safe, fuel efficient, cars. Prius anyone?
- Average Confidence. Nice guys don’t show the same level of confidence that bad boys show, since nice guys are on the straight and narrow path that they’re supposed to be on. They aren’t challenging anything, and doing what they are told to do takes no abnormal level of confidence.
Assessing the character of each archetype is helpful. What women are attracted to are the positive traits that a bad boy has, not the fact that he knifed his grandmother. Women are attracted to the emotional whirlwind, confidence, high value assessment, ego boost that comes with being the only one who could tame him, and the chance to experience the feelings that come with pulling him out of darkness. Luckily for guys who don’t want to spend 5 to 10 in the state pen, it’s still possible to develop all of those traits, to be the type of guy that women are attracted to. We’ll cover how to do this in future articles. Until then, stay out of trouble, and don’t forget to sign up for our free report on how to date sexy Asian flight attendants. Look for the link bellow.
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