It’s no secret that women flake.
What’s really shocking is the frequency with which Asian girls flake in Japan, Korea, China, Taiwan, etc. Korean girls, flake so much, you wonder why people ever make plans at all.
“Why All These Flakes?!”
One of the most common questions I get when I’m working with a client is just how to stop girls from flaking. The reason that most guys can’t understand or solve their flaking problem is because most of them are so self-absorbed that they don’t look at the dating proposition from the woman’s perspective.
Understanding how self-absorbed you, and everyone else, are is a key step towards optimizing the structure of your interactions with women and your dating life. So here, off the top of my head, are the top 8 reasons Asian women flake:
- she has better things to do (house chores included) or better people to meet
- she doesn’t feel like getting ready to meet you
- she doesn’t feel like spending money when she’s out
- she doesn’t feel like traveling to meet
- she’s nervous
- she thinks it’s a waste of time to meet you
- it’s too cold, too hot, too rainy, etc.
- she’s tired
- she’s on her period
- she has a headache
(Did I say 8..?)
Who Says That You Deserve Better?
You might be indignant at reading this list, thinking that you deserve better treatment. But, if you take the time to understand Asian culture better then it will all start to make sense.
Western women pride themselves on being independent while Asian women pride themselves on how well they play their various life roles, such as being a good daughter, student, or girlfriend. They sit in the center of several interrelated societal networks whose members judge them on how well they fulfill each of those roles. An Asian woman feels good about herself when her standing among each of these social networks is good whereas western women will often sacrifice those in the interests of achieving purely personal goals, dreams, or desires.
As a Westerner, or non-local of any ethnicity, you’re at a disadvantage because, coming from outside of the standard social structures that exist in Asia means that you don’t fit into any of those interlinked societal networks so she has no obligations to you at all. In Confucianism, morality is based not on objective concepts of right and wrong that apply to everyone, everywhere in every context, but on how people should behave in particular social contexts: how a friend should treat a friend, how a husband should treat his wife, how an older brother should treat his younger brother, or how an employee should treat his boss.
When you approach an Asian girl, you are outside of any social structure and, therefore, out of moral bounds which means that, in general, she has no obligation to treat you in a particular way. By contrast, in the West, we are usually required by social convention to treat one another, including complete strangers with some level of respect. This accounts for why we feel compelled to treat even beggars nicely.
The average Asian girl’s multiple overlapping roles mean that she has multiple obligations to people in those spheres, all of which take priority over a random guy she talked to for 20 minutes last week. You are a very small blip on her radar screen. If something comes up and she has to compromise then she will inevitably compromise on the random guy since there are ZERO negative consequences.
Imagine the last Asian girl you met. Imagine she’s scheduled to meet you after work today. She woke up at 6am and over breakfast her mom asks her what time she’ll be home for dinner. She tells her that she’s having dinner out that day, and while it’s possible that Mom is happy to cook for one less person, it’s also very possible that her Mom looks disappointed that her daughter isn’t coming straight home like she should since tomorrow is a work day.
By 7am, she’s out the door and on her way to work where she puts in her hours pushing paper she doesn’t care about and interacting politely with people she doesn’t much like. The best part of the day for her is exchanging some messages with her friends who invite her out for a coffee after work. There’s talk in the office about going out with the boss for food and drinks after work.
It’s 4pm, she’s been up for 10 hours already, has another 2 hours of work to put in, and an hour commute ahead of her. She has so many demands on her time and all of them are more important than you are. By now, she’s in no mood to struggle communicating through a boring conversation with you. As the clock strikes 6pm, signaling the end of her work day it starts raining. It’s no wonder she flakes. Our job as guys wanting to date Asian women is to make ourselves as big a blip on her radar as possible, to give her a real reason to see us, and to stay out of any conflicts …because we’ll undoubtedly lose.
Get Your Self-Absorbed Ego Out of the Way
Doing all of this comes down to stepping out of our own self-absorption, looking at the pressures she has to navigate, and helping her do that to the best of our abilities. Make it as easy as possible for her to be with you and she will be.
Flakes happen whenever a girl doesn’t show up to meet you after agreeing to, and unfortunately they’re a way of life in cold approach, when approaching women with no known connection to you. Having various degrees of connection before the approach can dramatically help matters, like an introduction to a friend, or a house party, or if you’re in the same social circle, but cold approach brings the most pain.
You’re at a Disadvantage
In cold approach, your anonymity means that:
- women feel justified in being rude to you – after all, you are a stranger who is trying to approach them, and…
- you are a total unknown quantity to her. If you walk up and say, “Hi, my name is Jim and I’m from California,” you could be Rob from Italy and she’s got absolutely no way to check.
- Ultimately, when you do set up a date with a woman you meet in cold approach, flake rates will be higher since there are very little or no social repercussions to her bad behavior.
Of all the things going on in her life, a guy who randomly approaches her is a very small blip on her radar screen. She also has family, friends, co-workers, her dog, and just about every other thing going on in her life to worry about. She’s invested substantially more effort into those areas, after all, which hints at why compliance building early into first meeting her is so important.
How to Avoid the Hurt
This post isn’t geared towards preventing flakes – that’s for another article – but I will give you a few tactics that you can use to mitigate the dangers to your own mental health and time when girls flake. Next time you’re possibly going to meet a girl, give these a try:
- Always set up meets at times and places that are convenient for you. That means, you want to meet girls a short walk from your house, someplace you were planning to go anyway, near your work, or on the route between work and your home so that if she doesn’t show, you can quickly and easily move on with your life.
- Multi-schedule your days. Have a compelling alternate plan if she flakes. That might mean going to a party, meeting friends, or maybe even doing work or house chores that you need to catch up on. This makes, meeting her actually IN THE WAY and her flaking means that you can get to other things in you need to do.
- Invite her to something you already have scheduled. If you were planning to go pick up a book at the book store or watch Monday night football at the local pub then schedule her to join you for coffee or a meal that will happen before, during or after the activity.
One of the key things to remember when it comes to cold approach is that you have very little information about her as well, so you don’t and can’t know what her reasons for flaking are or even whether they are valid.
Make sure that you set things up in such a way that if flakes happen it does not inconvenience you. Not only will any bitterness and negativity carry forward into interactions with future women, but it takes a toll on your mental health.
Remember that she’s coming to see you, and while you want to have fun activities, YOU are the main attraction. Save the fancy stuff for later after she’s put a bit of work in. Until she does, save yourself the time, energy, and potential inconvenience and aggravation by putting these three tactics to work.