Why You Need to be Rejected

by E

When I returned to Korea I was terrified.

I remember looking down the long line of subway cars and feeling a sinking feeling in my stomach. It was late at night – it always was – and I was standing on a massive ribbon of cement that ran beside the train tracks, then deep below the heart of Seoul. From my vantage point I could see a tide of people drifting in and out of those large steel boxes—people just finished work for the day and people on their way to after school programs at local educational centers. There was always a good mix: mothers; grandfathers with canes; young guys just starting their careers at one of Korea’s large chaebols; large scruffy Korean men scarred with tattoos running up their neck; and then there were the young women.

Korea is legendary for having incredible girls. While Eastern Europe or Brazil definitely have their share of stunners, nothing really compares to the type of beauty you can find in Korea. Tall, subtle curves that disappear under sinfully short skirts, large olive eyes, and an attitude that’s often projected through strips of leather and heels. These were the ones that terrified me the most.

I had just gotten back to Korea after a long absence, and a lengthy exclusive relationship. While I wanted to get back into being the former social butterfly that I was, I was out of practice and definitely lost a lot of the skill that I had previously. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I just… knew… that things were going to end disastrously.

Crippled by Fear

When it comes to talking to women, most guys get stuck up on the same things I did. They’re worried that their interaction wont go well, they’re worried about being rejected. A lot of guys are crippled by this fear of rejection – no matter how badly they want to talk to the girl they just can’t do it, they can’t even eek out a simple, “hi.”

Rejection was the main reason I found it so tough to approach women back then, which is ironic now that I think about it. The simple truth is that, while women may reject you for any number of reasons, the being rejected is really no big deal. In fact, seeing rejection so negatively was a whole continental shift in mindset from where I needed to be.

Are You on the Right Continent?

While a lot of guys don’t realize it, rejection serves as an important tool. To understand this, guys first need to have the right mindset when it comes to talking to women. There are literally billions of women out there and, if you live in a moderately large city, likely more eligible high quality women than you could approach in your lifetime. Instead of giving one single girl, or one single interaction, a lot of importance, guys should really see her, or it, as just one possibility they have among millions of other women. Ultimately, if you approach her and she shuns you, you have the opportunity to talk to countless others.

I think I knew that back when I was just getting back into the swing of things, but I definitely didn’t realize its significance. I still saw rejection as something that hurt, some failure, some indication that there was something fundamentally flawed within me. The truth is that women can reject you for countless reasons but, if you’re approaching someone you don’t know, none of those reasons have to do with who you actually are. They all have to do with superficial qualities and most of those are things that you can easily change.

Your approach is just one of those things. Instead of interpreting rejection the way I did, I should have seen it as a learning tool and used it to talk to more women. Every interaction offers you just a little bit more feedback and as soon as you realize this you can start using that feedback to experiment with things that you do. Maybe your orange juice line is not a great way to start a conversation or maybe you just have to say it a little louder. Feedback over a long string of approaches gives you a great opportunity to fine-tune things that you have to work on. Start looking for patterns. Of course, don’t reinvent the wheel – you should already have a very solid understanding of what you should be doing. This will make it much easier to build social, dating, or conversational skills, faster.

Put Your Money on the Winners

A sad truth is that race plays a huge factor when it comes to dating in Asia. So do other physical features that you just can’t change. In my case, I have a shaved head – which is bizarre in Asia – so a lot of women will reject me even before I walk up to them. A lot will reject me right away just for being White, as well. Race and physical features have a huge impact on whether a woman will be open to even talking to you in a romantic or dating context. Because of this, guys really have to play the percentages when meeting Asian women in Asia. Instead of feeling badly because you were rejected, approach women until you find someone who is actually open to talking, or dating, a foreigner. Don’t worry about the ones who don’t want to talk to you, just focus on finding the ones that do.

This can complicate things when you throw rejection as a feedback tool into the mix, which is why you should be looking at a long series of approaches to base behavioural decisions on. While a women may reject you for any number of reasons, a longer string of feedback is much more telling.

Thankfully, my perspective has shifted massively from those early days. Sometimes the way a woman rejects me can be incredibly entertaining. A single rejection is not something to be taken seriously but a long string of rejections can give you a lot of insight into things that you have to work on. Instead of feeling worthless after a harsh rejection consider it just one more rejection closer to being good with girls.