by Kane Vast
Hey hey Dudes and Dudettes,
This weekends article is about drama, jealousy and dogs.
Let’s start with a short story. I had a girlfriend called Beaker who I’ve mentioned in a few articles. She was quite a simple minded girl (she honestly believed that chickens have three legs) and didn’t like to think about things so much – very similar to a child who just enjoys drawing pictures, eating, and playing without having to consider the consequences (except, unfortunately, she was terrible at drawing). Like a child, she would mainly just react to things instead of analyzing her emotions or feelings in any depth.
One day I was sitting on my couch playing video games, with Beaker next to me. When she got up to get a drink of water my dog very quickly replaced her by sitting in her spot. When Beaker returned she, of course, tried to push my dog away as she wanted to sit there again, but the dog resisted this as it wanted to sit next to me, as well.
For fun, I told her no, that because my dog was sitting there she must sit elsewhere – it was now the dogs spot. She immediately became very jealous of the dog, but I took this a step further by verbally encouraging the dog and saying how it was the most important thing, more important than Beaker who would never be allowed to shove the dog off my lap.
Making Girls Jealous of Dogs
It seems ridiculous that anyone could be jealous of a dog… but it’s possible, especially if the girl is insecure. All girls have a certain amount of insecurity and your actions as her boyfriend can have a large affect on her insecurities and self-confidence or self-esteem.
The important thing to realize is that, although not every girl can be jealous of dogs, a great deal can be jealous about other girls so it’s important to know how to manage that, if you want to survive the relationship.
Now this article admittedly has had a weird start. We are not going to spend the whole time talking about dogs but we will use it as an example for how to do or not do things in a relationship. At the end, I’ll even throw in a video which explains how to ‘encourage’ someone to feel more secure about themselves and to get them to do what you want.
Compounding Her Insecurities
Your girl is insecure, sorry. That’s how things are: girls are actually very insecure people, especially about their bodies.
Asian girls IMO are excellent at seeming quite secure about themselves as they are usually dressed well, get lots of positive social feedback (guys hitting on them, constantly reassuring them of their beauty), and just generally do a good job of being ‘hot girls’ (We all love Asian girls right? – if you don’t then please Google fat white chicks and then Google ‘hot Japanese girls’ and then come back).
Now, the problem in Asia is that most girls are only really appreciated for their bodies or good looks, not for their personalities. There are various reasons for this which I won’t go into much depth about but briefly:
- Face. Face is a pivotal part of Asian culture, and if you can’t be the most handsome or beautiful then you need to the be the most socially ‘successful’ meaning having the best grades in school, making lots of money, or having a ‘beautiful’ partner.
- Hobbies/lack their of. Girls’ having personalities doesn’t increase their ‘face giving value’ and also, because they are only really appreciated mostly for their looks and ability to give the guy face based on her looks, she doesn’t really have the motivation to develop a real personality, hobbies, interest, but instead just spends her time eating, sleeping, singing, dancing, or using QQ, KaKao Talk, Line, Wechat, or other ‘chat applications/programs available in various Asian countries.
- Upbringing. Each culture or society values various things, some are the same across the board and some aren’t.
Asian cultures mainly value beauty, resource value (money) and social status, so, as a beautiful girl whose main goal is to secure a good, stable, well-off husband, being able to do make up well and observe social cues is much more important (as this provides obvious ‘face’ for the husband) than rock climbing or kung fu or any other standard hobbies people have these days.
Now that’s covered, onward to the good stuff.
How to Make Her Feel Secure
Use a mixture of compliments about her body, and things you like about her personality, that make her ‘better’ than other girls. A lot of Asian girls don’t like being compared to your ex-girlfriend but they certainly do enjoy being ‘better’ than her.
Example: “You look so sexy when you wear that dress, I like your boobs how they are but I have to tell you that your boobs look bigger when you wear that dress – it makes me wanna do _________ Â to you!”
This sentence is good because it addresses a common insecurity Asian girls have when dating a Western: Small boobs. Asian girls seem to think that all Western girls have massive boobs compared to Asians, so can feel insecure about it, if you are really satisfied with her body or not.
Example: “I really like that you message me quite often because it makes me feel secure/that you really love me/that you’re thinking about me. My ex-girlfriend didn’t message me very much and that’s something I didn’t like about her, so you doing that makes me really happy! I feel like I can trust you!”
Saying this will make her message you more, as you’re encouraging and rewarding the sort of behavior you want. Now imagine that you changed ‘message me quite often’ into ‘I really like how you give me blow jobs, it feels sooooo good, I am happy you can make me feel so good because it makes me enjoy sex with you more which makes me feel closer to you’. All Asian girls want to be ‘closer’ to their bf’s, siamese twins kinda close, so it’s a good thing to say.
The point here, other than just ‘complimenting her’ on her good behavior, is to make her WANT to do the behaviors I’m rewarding her for, so she will keep doing them and feel more secure about our relationship as she knows exactly what to do to make me happy.
This is a very important part of relationships and if you are motivated enough to watch this dog video, you will understand what I’m saying on a deeper level.
If you can clearly lay out the steps your girl must take to make you happy, get her to do them, and reward her for it (or him if there are any ladies reading this), the easier your relationship will go. Note: Keep in mind that when rewarding someone you want to do it both verbally and physically, use your imagination. *hugs*
One side of the coin, done. Here’s the other side…
How to Make Her Feel Insecure
This is easy, much easier than making her feel secure. Just mention any good quality about your ex-girlfriend. Done.
But wait, there’s more!
Any comments about the girls physical appearance usually will effect her ego in a negative way, anything about her being ‘fat’ or you making fun of a particular part of her body is going to have a negative effect…..
Let’s say you want your girlfriend to lose weight. Your options are: “Lose weight! You’re fat and it’s gross,” or “Baby I think you’ve lost weight, you look so sexy.” Which one do you think is going to encourage further positive action?
I make sure to try not to make my girl feel ‘unsexy’ at anytime, as I want her to be a SEX ADDICT as much as possible. Any comments about her tits being small or her ass being flat or her making funny sounds like chubaka in bed are all going to destroy her ‘feelin’ sexy’ factor.
I recently, by accident, made my girl feel very insecure… She was sleeping and snoring (yes Asian girls snore!!!) and that was keeping me awake, so I went out of the room. Eventually she asked why I hadn’t gone to sleep, I explained that I couldn’t due to her snoring… she spent an hour denying it, and since then as been totally paranoid, actually asking me over and over if she’s been snoring again. I tried to reverse the damage by telling her that she’d only been snoring because she’d been super exhausted… but so far she’s still in Paranoialand.
Anyway, the sexier she feels the more sex I’m gonna feel, and that can only be a good thing. That also goes for my overly large right arm, and the neighbours – because of the music I play full bore when I sit alone and cry/dismasturbate (I just made this word up! …it’s a combination of dismay and masturbate.).
I’m gonna throw you a little ‘mindset,’ or we could even go as crazy as ‘frame,’ for those NLPers out there, to lend you a little more understanding: You are her father. No, not in a weird creepy way. Think of yourself as a father figure who is approving of his daughter. You always see daughters enamored with their father and just wanting to make him happy. The thought of ‘daddy is going to kick my ass to the curb like a homeless mongol child and find a new daughter’ doesn’t even cross a daughter’s mind. Weirdness aside, this is a reasonably good way to picture what I mean.
Alllllrrrrrriiiiighhhhhhtttttt
Good video
Yeah, really good. Some parts are a bit unclear though. I’ve watched it about 4 times so far.
disgusting pig. i feel sorry for your girlfriend to put up with a fetishizing racist like you.
Hey Mimi,
Due to my poor schooling and overall lack of education, I had to look up what ‘fetishizing’ meant.
Here we go:
fetishizing present participle of fet·ish·ize(Verb)
Verb
Have an excessive and irrational commitment to (something).
Make (something) the object of a sexual fetish.
So I would be pleased to hear what ‘thing’ I am making into an object of a sexual fetish or have an excessive and irrational commitment to?
Also where does the racist part come from?
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Kane
This is such a disgusting article. Asian women – or women of any race for that matter – are not animals that you can ‘train’ to do what you want, they are people who have feelings and do not wish to be fetishized. I hope that your girlfriend realises what an absolute idiot you are and leaves, she deserves better.
You’ve got it all wrong. This isn’t about how to treat Asian women or just women. This is about how to treat people.
This is standard psychology 101 type stuff, that would make people happier in their relationships if they used it properly. Watch the TED Talk, he doesn’t do a great job at getting his points across sometimes, but he does know his shit.
The above article is only about some specific applications of the principle.
I wonder, did you get all the way through the article?
After reading through my own article I can see how me trying to share myself and a part of my life can be misconstrued by people who don’t personally know me.
I agree with you and would like to add something to your comment.
People are not animals and regardless of race, gender, sexual preference we all deserve to be treated with respect, I don’t think this should be limited to just men or just women.
I really don’t get what the ‘fetishized’ comments are all about….I mean why is it that a massive amount of white girls never date Asian guys?
Sound’s like a lot of them potentially have a white guy fetish and are racist towards my Asian brothers.
Oh and just for kicks lets have a look at this little statistic i figured out:
I googled “train your girlfriend’ and ‘train your boyfriend’
Train your boyfriend came up with:
About 192,000,000 results (0.23 seconds)
Train your girlfriend came up with:
About 144,000,000 results (0.14 seconds)
(Not to mention the APP/Game ‘Train your boyfriend’ which involves violence)
So funnily enough….the girls are ahead of us guys on this one, by about 48 million points or so.
Wanna see sick and manipulative?
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/train-boyfriend
http://www.boldsky.com/relationship/love-and-romance/2013/train-boyfriend-become-husband-032803.html#slidemore-slideshow-1
A good short post on bf training:
http://theindiechicks.com/love-and-sex/relationships/how-to-train-your-boyfriend-using-science/
Weirdly enough, here is a woman saying a lot of very similar things to what I said (and our good friend Ian) except it’s about the similarities between training men and dogs:
http://motherboard.vice.com/blog/dog-training-for-your-significant-other
Lastly I feel there is something I should add that my article may have failed to get across:
I have learned from my experienced as I’ve been growing up and have realized that people and animals are quite similar in the ways they learn and unlearn behaviour.
I learnt a lot about what I should do and what I shouldn’t do in relationships if I want to make them healthy and long lasting…..so please remember that life is a journey where you learn a long the way, I’m fortunate enough to have learn’t a lot and am now trying to share the lessons to others so they don’t have to make mistakes.
Really lastly, I never thought ADM had so many female readers, thanks for taking the time to read our articles girls.
Kane
Hi Twerker,
I don’t really get your comment because that’s not what the article was saying. I think it’s right that “Asian women – or women of any race for that matter – are not animals that you can ‘train’ to do what you want,” but only because you include the word “animals”. People are very very trainable… and that’s been shown throughout history, never mind psychological experiments, etc.
This is a very good article that highlights a practical use of psychology that guys and girls can use to make their relationships better and happier.
Nice one kane vast.
Wow you’re really gross. I hope Beaker can find someone who doesn’t need to mess up her self esteem just to get her to stay.
Clearly you missed the point of the article which essentially said you SHOULDN’T make your girlfriend insecure…read until the end next time.
Hey,
I hope she can too, but it’s unlikely.
I would also like to throw in:
I spent many hours telling her what I liked about her, complimenting her, involving her in my life so she would feel secure, I even created a mini holiday once a month called ‘Appreciation day’ for her and I to give each other a small present and tell each other three things we liked about each other.
Kane
For some reason this comment got kicked into the spam, but I think it’s overall quite good.
You’re absolutely right, that making a woman insecure is definitely not a way to make a good relationship, and that’s exactly what the article points out. Making her insecure creates all sorts of problems like decreasing her happiness.
You can definitely control people this way, but as Kane points out, you shouldn’t. Maybe that wasn’t clear in the article just based off of the headings, but if you read the content you’ll see that.
As for treating women like dogs–as I said when I responded to twerker below, this isn’t about treating women like dogs. This is about how to treat humans in general. It’s about teaching someone how you like to be treated and how they can teach you how they like to be treated.
It’s basic psychology 101 stuff, that would revolutionize people’s relationships in a positive way if they used this knowledge. Most people let their emotions in the moment dictate what they do rather than thinking several steps ahead about how their behavior can positively or negatively effect their relationships in the long run.
Thanks for your comment.
wow you must not know ANY of the numerous powerful, rebellious, intelligent asian women that could kick your fucking ass
you’re a fetishizing piece of shit dude, and your mind games are depressingly simple. check yourself.
I didn’t write this article, but I have read it much more closely than you have and what’s he’s pointing out is that people respond to rewards. Reward people in the ways they like for doing the things you want them to do and they’ll do them more.
It’s as simple as that at a basic level.
Now, if you’re unwilling or incapable of giving the rewards they want then they won’t be with you…this is why people quit their jobs and what they mean when they say they found a better job.
It’s nothing personal, it’s just that some people match better when it comes to the value exchange that happens in relationships because people value different things.
What do you mean by powerful, rebellious, intelligent (By the way, the word Asian starts with an upper case A, not a lowercase a) women that could kick my well formed (sexy) behind?
Do you mean a woman who would want to go toe to toe with a guy?
Or she is intellectually going to ‘beat me down’? (This could definitely happen as I think most Asian girls are really well studied and quite intelligent, where’as I’m just a simple dude)
I would love to meet any of the aforementioned women you’ve described though, as I think face to face we would get along quite well and they would enjoy my company as I would theirs.
Kane
Yeah, it’s really interesting that both dogs and people respond to some of the same psychological principles. Dr. Pavlov and Dr. Skinner did a lot of work in this area originally – it’s nice to see someone used to applying these principles in real life. The dog training metaphor is very useful for dealing with any person in many different types of settings.
So…perhaps you would like to read through the article and comment again.
The point wasn’t to make women insecure but to make sure they stay with you.
The point is that people are insecure, sometimes for silly reasons and there are many things you may be doing to cause this in your relationship AND that there are many things you could change (in your own behaviour) to make your partner feel secure/get along with you more easily.
I tried to use real life examples to explain this (what to do and what not to do) and people obviously have to judge things from a very bias angle as they don’t know me or Beaker.
Kane
I see that Kane and the mods are telling complainers to read the article all the way through and we will see that he doesn’t mean it that way but it’s difficult to manage because it’s sickening.
I didn’t read the article all the way through. I don’t know what happens in the end but I do know that no one is going to force themselves to read this article if it makes them feel so uncomfortable and disgusted. If there had been some sort of disclaimer in the beginning or something, I don’t think those comments would have been left.
We assumed our audience was the kind that collects information before passing judgement…we assumed too much it seems.
We’ll have to lower our standards for the human race.
unfortunate
Well Redpole, I think it really is your fault. You should never assume people will actually have the patience to fully read an article to see the main point was by structuring a sentence in a better way you can improve your relationship. You must assume your readers are clueless idiots. Bad Redpole.
So, I find the idea of all this (the site, not the article) a bit skeevy, but your actual content seems fairly sound and surprisingly not offensive in the way that most ‘dating advice’ or pick up artist’s sites are. This article in particular is hmm…poorly written, but it is, actually, good relationship advice. It could have been put across in a much better way, but such is life. The comments are helpfully clarifying; some of that should have been in the original article.
However, I would like to point out that when you said reward her for it (or him if there are any ladies reading this) I was kind of annoyed, because thanks for erasing my orientation, dude. Can’t I be a lady wanting advice for a ‘her’, is that an option here? :/ Granted homosexual relationships are pretty frowned upon in Asian culture, but we still exist.
Thank your for the (measuredly) kind words. As with many things, the concept is tainted by the few who really are skeevy.
Actually, that’s totally an option, it’s just not something we encounter much. I’ve had one bi-sexual female client from Hong Kong, and in 7 years, she’s been the only one, so it’s not on our radar much.
Actually, lesbian relationships are very common in Hong Kong, Mainland China and Thailand, especially. I see lesbian couples increasingly in Korea and Japan as well, and in Korea, apparently, there is quite a scene if you’re into middle aged, married Korean women.
I’m sorry, I was cranky today, in pain because the weather is turning colder. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.
That’s very interesting, and good to know! You might want to consider making that at least noted somewhere on the site, such as the about section, that your clients don’t have to be only straight men; I know I’d definitely have spent more time on the site and given your services greater consideration if I’d known, and I’m definitely sure that you would have plenty of straight female clients if that also was apparent on the site as an option. 🙂
Not that I shall have the opportunity to visit Asia anytime soon, though I assume the same applies to Asian women everywhere? My Korean friend lives in NYC, but her family is quite traditional, and I know that should I want to date her, I would be facing quite a few culture issues I’d be unprepared for, even though I know a lot about Asian societies and cultures already. But it’s nice to hear that lesbian relationships are becoming more common there, that is a hopeful thing.
I have to ask, though – why focus only on Asian women? I assume because that is where you are based? But really the vast majority of your advice that I’ve seen would be helpful in any relationship, so if you were looking to expand your business model you definitely could. I think that – the focus – is what still makes me feel a bit uncomfortable with your site, because while you may not fetishise Asian women yourself, it looks almost designed (not saying it is, mind you) to pull in people that do.
I saw a lot of the other very angry commenters mentioning it (and the satire you wrote in response, lol) and while I’d prefer to give you, personally, the benefit of the doubt, given that all your content that I’ve seen focuses on thinking of women as people and treating them positively and with respect, it IS a way that people tend to exoticise and objectify people (but especially women) from certain races with. It is a way of looking at them that makes them less human, being attracted to the ‘race’ (usually a stereotyped ideal) rather than the person.
So I understand why you feel that criticism does not apply to you, but have you put any thought into making the distinction clear in your services? You may have, I don’t know, so bear with me if so; I may be putting the horse after the cart, but I want to clarify myself. Making a meaningful connection with someone, even if it’s for just one night, but especially if you are looking for something more steady, is much easier and quicker and more satisfying when you see the true individual for who they are, not what you imagine them to be. Which I can tell from your various posts that you understand that, so I think my concern here is that among the other faulty ways of thinking in approaching dating and relationships, this is one thing you maybe haven’t thought to address among the things you teach your clients, that only seeing race is a bad starting point.
Having Asian features may just be something you are attracted to, like the way some women only like tall men, it may just be a characteristic you like, and I think that’s okay, but fetishising it, specifically, is stereotyping; projecting an exoticised ideal onto the person and objectifying them, and that’s not okay. It gets in the way of getting to know them and forming a legitimate attachment that can be built on. (I may be telling you things you already know, sorry.) I just think it’s something you might want to consider addressing in some way? Maybe in an FAQ of some kind, I notice you don’t have one. You could put both of my questions in there! 🙂
Thanks for you response.
Yes, I am based in Asia for the past 14 years, since I got a 1 year research scholarship in Economics. Since I moved here right after University and only had had one girlfriend, the vast majority of my dating experience is with Asian women simply because that’s where I am.
The site is really primarily designed for guys like me who are in Asia though obviously there are guys who are in other countries who find themselves interested in an Asian woman.
Secondly, while men/women/gay/bi or other may find my posts helpful, I don’t really feel all that comfortable doling out advice as I’m not all that familiar with their situations though I’m happy to give whatever guidance I can when I know about their specific situation.
At some point, we may expand giving advice beyond our current target audience(straight men interested in or dating Asia raised Asian women), it’s not our core competency at the moment.
I’ll work on the About Me page though because I agree, that maybe it doesn’t adequately explain our stance here at Asian Dating Monthly.
Really appreciate the thoughtful feedback!
I understand, and that does make sense. Thank you very much for your thoughtful answers!