by Kane Vast – February 6th, 2013.
Recently I’ve been writing a lot about cheating. It seems to be top of mind with a lot of guys. We’ve just spent a lot of time talking about patterns, and how you can use patterns to tell if your girlfriend is cheating on you. Today we’re going to do something else. It’s time to lie….errr talk about lying…which is the truth….so here we go…
Lies and Lying
There are various different types of lies and you can learn a lot about them from many different sources. One of my favourite sources is Paul Ekman’s Telling lies, an absolute must read which is available on Amazon.com.
The way Asian people and Western people view lying is quite different and this is because of the way both cultures interpret lying as a positive or negative thing. Westerners typically view lying as a character flaw or something that ‘bad’ people do. Easterners understand that lying is merely a part of communication that is useful and necessary for keeping relationships ‘smooth’ and ‘harmonious’. Asian girls typically lie because they want to stop someone from getting hurt and because they don’t want to make someone or themselves lose face (usually themselves). So if your girlfriend lies to you, it’s not because she doesn’t respect you or care about you, usually it’s because she DOES care about you and respect you, although this depends a lot on her motives.
Now, if your girlfriend lies to you, the most important thing you have to decide is that if you want to continue the relationship with her or not. If you can’t decide that then whatever action you take will not help, and you’ll essentially just tread water.
Girls are merely human and prone to mistakes – their behavior is influenced more heavily by their emotional state than men, so when they lie or make a mistake it’s generally not because they’ve planned revenge on you (this does depend on where you are in Asia though….), or are consciously doing something to ‘get back at you,’ it’s usually that they ‘feel’ a certain overwhelming emotion. If your girlfriend is lying to you, as a guy, you’re naturally going to want to hunt down the reason for her lie. In reality, though, it doesn’t matter that much – our urge to know is merely an attempt to understand and then control the pattern so it doesn’t happen again. This is a fallacy. What is important is what happened between you two that caused her to cheat.
Quite a while ago, I had a girlfriend named Beaker who I was with for about 6 months. She was loyal, loved me to death, and was a very sweet girl. We had some relationship troubles so I decided to break up with her. This lasted a month until, for various reasons, we got back together. Unknown to me, she met and had sex with one of her friend’s friends, a guy in her social circle, in the meantime.
When we got back together, I asked her if she’d been with anyone else and she said no. Over a year later we were one day laying in bed together and she got a text message from a guy I knew and recognized… I asked her about it, about why she was chatting to him and had his details. She said that they were old friends and he’d found her number on a website where she was looking for work as a Chinese teacher, and had started contacting her. She insisted that she hadn’t contacted him back.
I’ve studied various materials on deception and am no spring chicken, so my alarm bells were going off. I told her that what she is saying sounds like bullshit and pushed for the truth. I specifically told her that if she is honest with me I won’t be angry or upset with her, but she still lied through her teeth about it.
I contacted the guy and asked about the situation. It turned out that she did have sex with him, and lied to my face about it.
The reason? Was it because she didn’t respect me? Was it that she didn’t care about me?
No. She lied to me because her greatest desire was that our relationship had no troubles and that we could be together, happily. She worried that telling me about having sex with him in the past would make me not want to be with her anymore. She also wanted to be perceived as a good girl who was loyal and honest. Doing something like that would tarnish that image, something that was very important to her within our relationship and culturally.
This is just one of many examples where I’ve had girls flat out lie to me, only admitting their actions when evidence is waved in front of their face. This is generally a poor thing to do, though, as it damages the relationship and makes them lose face. Asian people can hold grudges about losing face for quite a while.
Is Your Girlfriend Lying to You?
Yes, I’m 99% sure she is, but most of those lies probably don’t matter or won’t have a serious affect on the relationship. She’s also doing you a favour by keeping them quiet. Perhaps she goes out with her friends to a KTV and while there she meets a friend of a friend, a guy she doesn’t know. If he asks for her phone number, she is put in quite a difficult position and can’t really say no, I have a boyfriend, since it’s rude. Instead, she will most likely give it to him, and he’ll start messaging her, trying to impress her with his money, or invite her out to dinner or something equally annoying. Your girlfriend is extremely unlikely to tell you about this because, in her mind, it doesn’t really mean anything. It’s not a sign of her dishonesty, she’s actually showing good manners and is trying to maintain good relations with everyone in her life.
It can even go as far as her parents setting her up on blind dates with random Asian guys. She might go out to dinner with them, have text message conversations with them, likely very unenthusiastically, and have some sort of potential relationship with them.
For guys, this can often be a cause for alarm, but in her mind she might be just doing this to satisfy her parents insane desire to marry her off asap. In other words, she could be in a very difficult position and find herself trying to placate her parents by going out with these dudes but not actually marrying or having a relationship with them. Once again, she’d be in the difficult position of trying to make everyone in her life happy. She may not consider her actions bad because she isn’t actually considering going ahead and having a relationship with these guys.
But Keep in Mind…
…that it’s not all roses. Some Asian girls will maintain contact with their ex boyfriends and not tell you about it. I personally really dislike this one because it’s much easier for girls to hook up with their ex bf’s than new guys simply because they’ve been there before and the relationship is already decided (they’re finished) so hooking up with the ex bf presents little to no danger to their current relationship. It also gives them a source of comfort, or the positive feeling, that they can tap into when they’re sad, or just going insane.
Time to Study
Lying, lying, lying… First part done, next up we’ll go into why Asian girls cheat, and you’ll discover some key tactics that will be helpful in keeping your Asian girl faithful and loving!
Until then, have fun.