bunny

 by Martin

Last night I did a tele-seminar with a few guys in Shanghai.  They’ve been having trouble dealing with flakes and wanted to know what to do about it.

I totally understand.  Flakes happen whenever a girl doesn’t show up to meet you after agreeing to, and unfortunately they’re a way of life unless you’re meeting women through social circle.  Having various degrees of connection before the approach can dramatically help matters, so an introduction through a friend,  or at house party, means you’ll get far less flakes.

You’re at a Disadvantage

Outside of social circle, your anonymity means that:

  • women feel justified in being rude to you – after all, you are a stranger who is trying to approach them, and…
  • you are a total unknown quantity to her. If you walk up and say, “Hi, my name is Jim and I’m from California,” you could be Rob from Italy and she’s got absolutely no way to check.
  • Ultimately, when you do set up a date with a woman you meet outside of your social circle, flake rates will be higher since there are very little or no social repercussions to her bad behavior.

Of all the things going on in her life, a guy who randomly approaches her is a very small blip on her radar screen. She also has family, friends, co-workers, her dog, and just about every other thing going on in her life to worry about. She’s invested substantially more effort into those areas, after all, which hints at why compliance building early into first meeting her is so important.

Avoid the Hurt

This post isn’t geared towards preventing flakes – that’s for another article – but I will give you a few tactics that you can use to mitigate the dangers to your own mental health and time when girls flake. Next time you’re possibly going to meet a girl, give these a try:

  1. Always set up meets at times and places that are convenient for you. That means, you want to meet girls a short walk from your house, someplace you were planning to go anyway, near your work, or on the route between work and your home so that if she doesn’t show, you can quickly and easily move on with your life.
  2. Multi-schedule your days. Have a compelling alternate plan if she flakes.  That might mean going to a party, meeting friends, or maybe even doing work or house chores that you need to catch up on.  This makes, meeting her actually IN THE WAY and her flaking means that you can get to other things you need to do.
  3. Invite her to something you already have scheduled.  If you were planning to go pick up a book at the book store or watch Monday night football at the local pub then schedule her to join you for coffee or a meal that will happen before, during or after the activity.

One of the key things to remember when it comes to cold approach is that you have very little information about her as well, so you don’t and can’t know what her reasons for flaking are or even whether they are valid.

Make sure that you set things up in such a way that if flakes happen it does not inconvenience you.  If it does, not only will any bitterness and negativity carry forward into interactions with future women, but it takes a toll on your mental health.

Remember that she’s coming to see you, and while you want to have fun activities, YOU are the main attraction.  Save the fancy stuff for later after she’s put a bit of work in.  Until she does, save yourself the time, energy, and potential inconvenience and aggravation by putting these three tactics to work.


  • jazz

    Good advice. You are right its easy to get down from flakes.BTW I took your advice on my facebook fanpage and having a sign and that has been good. Good job.

  • RedpoleQ

    You’re welcome. Glad to help.

  • Hmm.. Disqus is acting weird.

    Anyway, what do you think of those guys who say they’ve ‘licked’ this problem by not going on any dates (eg. many PUAs in the community), but rather gearing their PU towards same night lays.

    My only problem with that is… this belief that certain very high quality women would absolutely never do a SNL. As such, SNL-only guys are missing the high quality (e.g.. marriage material) women.

    • RedpoleQ

      I think those guys are getting low quality girls…and when I say low quality, I mean girls who don’t have great dating options such that the value differential is so clear that they can make that decision to go home with a guy they just met.

      Having said that though, I think this is a case where western women and Asian women differ because western women will decide to sleep with a guy because they think it will be fun whereas Asian women (on average) are more future oriented about who they sleep with which means they need more time to evaluate a guy unless their options are so bad that the guy they met a few hours before is an obvious good choice.